i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
