how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
