she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
