Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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