I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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