a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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