I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
