did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
