new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
