"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
