one two three fourrrrnication!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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