Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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