halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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