Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
