You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
