How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
