How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There are leaves in my underwear?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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