did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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