We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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