You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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