I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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