just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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