I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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