She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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