She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm passing your future prison.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
These tits shall not be calmed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
