Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
