You don't have asthma, your pregnant
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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