1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
