As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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