my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
