Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
