you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize