She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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