Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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