His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
