I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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