girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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