you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
