I wanna bring you to show and tell
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
