Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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