were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
