i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
