I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
