i need an iv and a liver transplant
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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