could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
