I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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