i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
