How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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