So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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