you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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