i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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