When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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