At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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