There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
