I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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