She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
