You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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