im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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