I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
