I think I won the penis lottery.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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