haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
