Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
