You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
