I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
