Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
